Daily Haiku and 3WW, Bicker, Nervous, Trajectory

Here is my Haiku of the day, with my 3WW contribution below

Tears not from sadness
Abundance of emotion
Not contained within

Three Word Wednesday (3WW) is a writing exercise where three words are presented as prompts to be used however the mood strikes us. This week’s words were: Bicker, Nervous, and Trajectory.

It seems like I’m always driving. On my way to pick up my son from practice, I winced at each unavoidable pot hole. I turned up the car stereo, Blue Man Group, thankful for the deep percussion that masked the throbbing on my left side. I hadn’t expected so much discomfort from the breast biopsy. Instead of managing all the usual afternoon tasks that bicker for my attention, I ended up on the couch this afternoon trying not to “should” myself. The trip out was a welcome distraction.

I know “should” happens. I tried to go easy on myself today, allowing time to rest, to feel lost and overwhelmed, without a reassuring turn of phrase, without flowery prose. I want to say I’m scared “should”-less, but that’s not really true, but it IS fun to say. I had my notebook and my cell phone within arms reach. My writing was raw and disjointed, a free flow of feelings.

It’s not mortality that I’m trying to wrap my head around, not the nervous tick of time delineating my life and these recent events. What I am most surprised by is the surge of feelings from those around me. As I was contemplating why it’s so startling that I’m loved, lovable, my cell phone chirped, my sister to check on me. After some lighthearted banter, the trajectory of the conversation swerved serious.

“Are you ok, I mean, emotionally, about all this?”

Yeah, I’m ok. The results will be in Friday, and we’ll jump off that bridge when we get to it. In the meantime, this experience has me both tethered tight to the physicality of my situation at the same time pondering its spirituality.

I’m surprised by the support from people I’ve never met. New friends. Miles and miles away. In nature it happens all the time and isn’t that remarkable actually. Creatures call out and respond to one another. Crickets chirps, birds trill, jungle monkeys whoop, whales make that unspellable sound.

My voiceless call was pecked on a keyboard, from soul to brain to fingers to screen to ether…then to screen to eyes to brain to soul.

I pulled into my son’s baseball field with apprehension. He had called me after school, asking me to pick him up before practice. I couldn’t hear his last statement and asked him to repeat it.

“Because I want to see you,” he choked into the phone.

I’m fine, I tell him, Really. Everything went well. I. Am. Fine. Go to practice, and I’ll see you at 5:00.

Just as Grace fills lungs with breath, hearts with beats, pages with words, Grace also fills eyes with tears.

Tears that flow not out of sadness, but because the trillions of cells energetically bound as form I call my body cannot contain ONE SINGLE bit more of energy. Not ONE. Not a molecule, an ion, an atom, a fraction of an atom. It has to spill out. Love in liquid form.

I blinked back tears and turned down the music as my son tossed his things into the back seat. I hope he knows its ok to cry.

I oscillate between amazement at these gifts of Grace and annoyance with this whole “stick-a-needle-in-my-boob” gig and why we can have 50 different kinds of toilet paper to choose from but the table I had to lay on was cruel and unusual. Don’t get me started.

I acknowledge that this is hard. I do cry. I am scared. It does hurt. I am learning to be comfortable in the discomfort. To be of two minds, and feel my way through it. I am both fearful and faithful. I question my effectiveness in how I handle this with my kids. I worry about how much all of this is going to cost. I also see the blessings, the beauty and the opportunity in it. No matter how it all turns out, I have learned, and grown more than I could have predicted. And that’s what I am here for.

 

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10 Comments

  1. ThomG said,

    May 14, 2009 at 10:40 am

    Wow, powerful, raw, fresh. Thank you for sharing these deep, deep thoughts, feelings, emotions.

    And I hope all will be well. But by your spirit, I know you will fight.

  2. MichaelO said,

    May 14, 2009 at 10:53 am

    Oh, the exams, the waiting on results, the endless postulations. All while keeping a strong face for the children. I wholly empathize and wish you strength and comfort.

  3. Tumblewords said,

    May 14, 2009 at 11:33 am

    Powerful and raw. The emotions that crowd when mortality knocks. Fearful and faithful tell so much. It’s hard to accept that we are each walking on thin ice, each day. Wishing you the best.

  4. blisshappens said,

    May 14, 2009 at 12:50 pm

    I hope this post isn’t coming across too morose, I’m ok, really, and happy! I appreciate the well wishes, but I hope you can also read the post as a piece of writing as well as the content, if that makes sense!

  5. Daily Panic said,

    May 14, 2009 at 2:56 pm

    My sister-in-law and my aunt are both breast cancer survivors.
    This will be one of the hardest things you will go through. It will be ok to have days when you are not strong and rely on the strength of others. You are blessed to have your family. I feel the ache you do, having gone through this with my own family. You will draw them close and they will want to be there. ** HUGS**

    • blisshappens said,

      May 15, 2009 at 11:29 pm

      thank you so much, it’s important to remember to let those we love help us, because it helps them too.

  6. Tammy said,

    May 14, 2009 at 7:06 pm

    Very moving and powerful processing. I’m still living these feelings as I reach year 18 with ALS. I raised 2 young girls alone for 13 of those years. It has changed them forever as the cloud still is there. I understand. God bless

    • blisshappens said,

      May 15, 2009 at 11:28 pm

      You have lived through challenges I can only imagine! I hope the cloud clears, thank you for sharing your bravery.

  7. May 16, 2009 at 10:31 am

    Powerful post!

    unfocussed

  8. Andy Sewina said,

    May 16, 2009 at 6:53 pm

    Candid, hard hitting and powerfully written post!
    Like your Haiku too!!


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